Being Real - Finding My Calling

wearing masks

I've worn a lot of masks in my life. Masks to cover hard circumstances that others couldn't possibly understand; or at least that's what I believed. Masks to cover over my own weaknesses. The "I'm Okay" mask, when I'm anything but okay. Where the dark thoughts are so consuming, I can barely breathe.

 The "Nothing's wrong " mask, when I am barely holding it together as I watched my teenage child make choices that were terrifying. The mask of "I'm not poor" I often wore in junior high. Wallowing in the pressure of fitting in and the deep, soul-bending need to be accepted.

The "I've Got This," even as the evidence is plain that I don't. Mask after mask, after mask - covering the truth. A mask of lies triggered by fear. Fear I wasn't good enough. Fear that I wouldn't fit in or be accepted. And it was all lies I told myself inside my heart. I strove for excellence in all I did, but always felt like I fell short. I didn't have the right education or pedigree. I was comparing myself to others - to what the world said I should be.

But God stepped in, gently pointed to my mask, and asked if he could remove it. There was no judgment, no disappointment that I could "see". He told me that I would never be enough to the world. But He was enough for me, and he wanted me just as I am. He demanded honesty from me. He demanded I be honest with myself.

I'd like to say that I quickly removed all my masks and lived happily ever after. But life isn't like that. Human Nature isn't like that. I wasn't like that. But God is patient and loving. You see, he really loves me. He knows what I truly am like, and he still wants me. It has taken years to remove the masks. Years of willingly recognizing them for what they were, dealing with the fear that drove me to wear them, and trusting God to change my heart. Years to begin to understand how he viewed me.

Sometimes, I still put on a mask in moments of weakness. But God is patient and faithful. In fact, he even gave me the name Faithful One. He gave it to me at a time when I thought that was the last thing I was. But that is what he named me. It took years to accept that his truth is far better than my own. It took years before I started to call myself the Faithful One. To see I was faithful. Not because of me - but because He called it into being in me.

Faithfulness is not loyalty. Faithfulness is doing what's right, for the right reasons every time. I'd like to say I am living up to my name fully. But I can't. Like a child learning to walk, I fall. But if I am ever going to run, I have to get back up and keep trying. Instead of crying and giving up, I need to find the strength to rise up and keep moving forward. I am a toddler. My God is my Father, who is standing close, ready to catch me and praise me as I make my first wobbly step. And He will be there for every step as I grow and become stronger. Because He loves me.

I am not enough. But with God, he is more than enough, and he shares that with me. Covers me in it. It's not a mask. It's a revelation. It's love. Real love that chose me before God said, "Let there be light." Things I've been created to do with him. He knew me "when", and he knows me now, and yet, he still chooses me. He still has a plan for me. There are things I've been created to do with him that no one else can do.

 And writing is the plan he has for me. Not because my books are anything special, but because He can do all things - crazy, unbelievable things. In fact, he has already done it. When I first published At Journeys End, he used an insignificant chapter to change lives.

A friend read my book and called me a few days later, weeping. She had been reading my book. In one chapter, the heroine was simply taking a bath as memories of her mother overwhelmed her. The young girl wept for her mother, and it resonated with my friend.

My friend had been estranged from her mother for decades. God used that one passage to change her life. She turned to God and began the process of reconciling with her parents and her siblings. It wasn't easy, and it was often painful. Yet God helped her remove her masks and to trust him in the process. She was finally reunited with her mother and father. But the story gets better. She led her Father to Christ.

I am not under the illusion that I had anything to do with this. In fact, I was floored. It demonstrated that God can use anyone and anything to do great things. This is not the only reason I write today. I was inspired to write, and I kept getting ideas for characters, titles, and plots that I could not ignore.

But then others started asking me when I was going to write again. More and more. They didn't know I had three new books in play. Two were nearly through editing, and one was half written. I even had the titles. "Searching for Hope," "Tears in a Jar," and "Beauty for Ashes."

I hadn't touched my books for a couple of years. Besides the phone calls, verses jumped out at me from the Bible - and other sources. "Searching for Hope," "Tears in a Jar," and "Beauty for Ashes" all stood out, and they resonated with me. Finally, one day, a sister-in-law called me and said she felt that God wanted me to write. It wasn't as if we talked about that stuff all the time. She felt led and called me. Shocked me.

It takes a while sometimes to get through to me, but I got the message. It was time to take up my pen (or laptop) and finish what I had started. And as I have been writing over the past eight months, more ideas and books have been born in my mind and captured in notebooks.

The best part of it all is the joy I feel as I am writing. I don't know how or if God will use these new ventures. That's up to him. What is important is living up to the calling - my purpose. God gave me a love for words and writing. He designed me with imagination, a sense of humor, and provided the opportunity. Did I mention I am retired now? Lots of time to focus on writing.

You may not know you have a purpose. You may not know if you have a calling. But I challenge you to go and find it. And if you know yours, don't give up. There are things that only you can do, that you were created for. Knowing that is liberating.